The Only Self-Help You’ll Ever Need

I HAVE DECIDED UPON A WAY OF LIFE, a strand of philosophy that has existed since Greek antiquity but never put into so many words on a digital word processor; it is the key to happiness, and I wanted to write it down so that I wouldn’t forget it by tomorrow noon.

We may dub this school of thought “Neo-Erasmianism”, as it follows the basic writings and ideas of Desiderius Erasmus of Rotterdam, only without all the Jesus. In fact, the existence of God is strictly optional; one may choose to believe in him only insofar as He created life and then ducked out of the picture entirely, like a runaway husband who fathers children in every state he visits.

The trick is to embrace pessimism—just because life is depressing, doesn’t mean you should be. If you hate your job, remember that everyone else agrees, hating not only your job but likely their own as well. There’s no reason to be miserable to those waiting in line five minutes to buy a two-dollar cheeseburger just because you’d rather be in your basement on mushrooms jaunting through a tortilla chip forest.

“People love being depressed collectively:
consider funerals or anyone who saw
Schindler’s List in theatres.”

This steers our discourse directly into the heart of Neo-Erasmianism: that life is unpleasant. It is dreary and depressing, filled with illness, death and pimples. Enjoy it. As my grandmother always said to me, “Zit happens.” I am to this day unsure of whether her pun was intentional or a result of her cleft palate, but judging by the amount she drank we’ll assume it was a momentary stroke of brilliance.

Always be pessimistic. An optimist is constantly disappointed; a pessimist can only be impressed. You’ll be happier, more correct and attain a false sense of superiority that will lead to greater self-esteem. You’ll thank me when you’re 40.

Don’t drink to excess, because that is escapism; rather than run away, delve into the heart of the misery, embrace it with conscious sobriety. Go to a karaoke bar and sing “Build Me Up, Buttercup” on repeat; better still, find other depressed people and wallow together. People love being depressed collectively: consider funerals or anyone who saw Schindler’s List in theatres. This path is more admirable and builds a stronger character. You’ll thank me when you’re 39.

“Your sunset will vanish, and so will the girl,
along with the $50 you owe her for the night.”

In the case of extreme depression, do not consider suicide. Or, better still, consider it but don’t do it. Slit one wrist, but never both. I had a friend who did that once; now his book is on Oprah’s Choice. I don’t quite know what that means, but I imagine it’s like Sophie’s Choice, only featuring independent black women. To sum up, suicide is not preferable, if only because it is more enjoyable to laugh than to be dead. Presumably.

If you ever are temporarily blessed enough to forget how much life totally blows, then enjoy it, but remember that this is temporary. Every so often, life will try to win you over by throwing you a majestic sunset with clouds painted orange, or a girl who seems like everything you’ve dreamed of. But the sunset will vanish, and so will the girl, along with the $50 you owe her for the night. You’ll be thrust back into reality, where you have to write an essay on Descartes or have dinner with your in-laws.

Most important, when regarding depression—don’t sweat it. Even if you try to be depressed for more than five hours straight, you’ll realize that it gets boring. Know that life stinks and laugh anyway. Don’t be oblivious; just be content. Be pessimistic and you’ll find yourself smiling more, knowing that just because you’re having a bad day doesn’t mean you should stop laughing.

How To Write An Effective Philosophy Paper

AFTER ASSISTING NUMEROUS first-year philosophy students with their essays, I have come to discover a number of handy tips one may refer to throughout the course of any level of essay writing. The following is the culmination of these tips, in no particular order.


- When making new points, say “ultimately” to make it seem like you were getting to that point all along.
• E.g.: Plato was a brilliant thinker. Ultimately, Plato wrote “The Republic”.

- Throw in “fundamentally” wherever possible. This will make your argument sound precise, for you are addressing not the thing itself, but the thing’s fundaments. To bump that B+ up to an A-, switch it off with “inherently”.
• E.g.: Hannah Arendt is inherently against totalitarianism.

- Refer to themes and notions as “underlying”. If you’re unsure as to whether you’re outright making something up, odds are it’s lying under something else.
• E.g.: If closely examined, one can see the underlying themes of agoraphobia in Descartes’s “Meditations”.

- Use semicolons instead of periods. Your professor will be so impressed by your literary flair that he’ll be more inclined to bump that up that A- to an A.
• E.g.: Nietzsche did not have sex until he lost his virginity to a prostitute who gave him syphilis; Nietzsche did not like women.

- Refer to arguments as “critiques”. Generally, words with “q” are more insightful than those without.
• E.g.: Kant’s critique of Descartes is a quarrelsome quarry, quintessentially quarantined in Iqualuit. Wait, did I say Kant? I meant Qant.

- Instead of saying “existence”, refer to it as “existence as such”. This remedies the common error of generalizing “existence” as all of existence, and specifies it as such, which is considerably less general and means something to professors. Just don’t ask what.
• E.g.: So what exactly is existence as such?

- If you feel your argument is lacking merit, say it echoes antiquity, because it probably does.
• E.g.: Women are fundamentally inferior to men. This echoes Aristotle.

- When using secondary sources, praise their scholarly value. Your professor will agree and bump that A up to an A+.
• E.g.: To quote Karl Löwith, who beautifully summarizes my crummy thesis in his 500-page book on the same subject…

- If ever you don’t understand something, call it an “inherent contradiction”.
• E.g.: Neoplatonism is an inherent contradiction.

- Use “polemic” a lot. In fact, make up words stemming from it, like “polemicize”.
• E.g.: I once heard Professor Kierans use the word “polemicize”. I looked it up in the dictionary—it doesn’t exist.

- Use as many philosophical synonyms as you can to make it seem like you’re referencing various authors whom you’ve encountered previously. This will show your knowledge of past ideas, bumping that A+ up to a request for you to lecture at your university next year.
• E.g.: Heidegger is concerned with the a priori, rational, invisible, metaphysical, unseen realm of principles, realm of God, kingdom of principles, unconscious realm, hypothetical realm, Heaven, infinity, infinitude, ad infinitum, ad nauseum, pleasegodletmebeover1000 words, realm of ideas, the theoretical, the dialectical, the Good, the Nous, nothingness, pure anxiety, the sublime, the void, the abyss, my basement apartment.