How to Stay Awake at the Symphony

NOTHING IRKS ME MORE THAN WITNESSING A WASTED TICKET AT THE symphony. Too often do I spot lazy husbands’ heads bobbing up and down as they fight the urge to fall asleep, only to afterwards claim that their eyes were closed “to more fully appreciate the music.”

I pity the poor soul whose heart does not go aflutter when in the same room as dozens of elderly penguin-suited men and overly made-up women sitting down for two hours in a heated room with the lights dimmed! To me, there is no better value one can attain from a $150 ticket and excuse to wear Victorian tails outside of my bedroom. My wife protests, but I’ve learned to drown her out by humming Mahler’s “Symphony No. 3 in D minor” all the way out the door.

To the unfortunate spouses of more devoted classical aficionados, it is to you whom I offer this list of tricks and ideas to help you stay awake when in the presence of the majestic strings, woodwind and brass; with luck, perhaps next time your snoring won’t be mistaken for the roaring timpani drum during the climax of “In the Hall of the Mountain King”.

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• Pinch yourself every time a new concerto begins.

• Pinch yourself every time your head falls down unwillingly.

• Pinch yourself every time the conductor looks like he just had an orgasm.

• Join in the concert by air-playing along with whatever instrument you play at home. If you are the sort of soulless heathen who does not engage in the creation of aural beauty, then air-Guitar Hero along.

• Pinch yourself every time you think the concerto has ended, but really it’s only just begun.

• Predict the conductor’s next move. For instance, I once saw Vivaldi’s “Autumn-Allegro” performed entirely out of karate chops and “touchdown!” arm motions. Another time, I bore witness to Bach’s “Passacaglia and Fugue in C minor” orchestrated exclusively with a pinky toe.

• Give a standing ovation to every concerto, regardless of its quality. If in Europe, you probably won’t be alone in this.

• Mentally place the conductor in a dance club, transforming his maestro moves into dance moves. Then have your mental DJ play “Touchdown” by T.I. feat. Eminem, just for kicks.

• During intermission, find the other men who are falling asleep even while waiting in line for a scotch and swap tips on wakefulness.

• Don’t order a scotch.

• Return from intermission, see if you can switch seats. You may not think there’s “very much to look at”, but from different angles you can see how various players look like long-gone celebrities from the 1980s, such as George Michael or the drummer from Styx.

• Divide the orchestra into Jets and Sharks and play out who would win. Note that the brass horns and the percussionists really shouldn’t be on the same team, as they would totally kick the string sections’ asses.

• Try to place what song is featured in what really long dramatic film. Hint: the answer will almost always be The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.